Luahan March

Alright, sebelum apa-apa dulu, lets see the definition for these words first.

Tension [ten –sh uh n] = mental or emotional strain; intense, suppressed
Stress [stres] = physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension

Ok, actually, the main reason I wrote this post was because I can’t stand it anymore. Yes, its all about stress and tensions. Probably you’ve heard the word before and most probably you’ve encountered it before. IB exam is just around the corner with less than 40 days left and I’m in a state of unstable emotion. Terlalu banyak memikirkan perkara-perkara lain makes me mad. Mad as in crazyy. Factors ? Of course la pasal study, peer pressure, surrounding, IRP, and lots more including placement. I may find it difficult to handle all of these problems especially when I feel that I’m all alone. Yes, its true. I do feel alone. Having to stay in a single room with no roomate, I feel that I have no one to talk to. There may be some people which I can talk to, but still, I dont feel comfortable to burden them with my problems. Enough with the IB sylabus, inikan pulak nk kisah pasal masalah orang lain pulak kan. Hence, i’ve decided to just keep it to myself and only to write a post cause by doing this, my blog is the only place where I can luahkan my whole perasaan. But whatever it is, religion comes first and I always do my obligation towards Islam. At times like this, no, at everytime, Allah is the only one that you can rely on and berdoa to.

But, come to think of it, I’ve developed myself to become a more optimistic person. Kadang-kadang, pernah jugak terfikir, Allah bagi ujian ni supaya kita lebih mendekati diri kita kepada dia. And also, nak buktikan yang kehidupan ini bukan selalunya berada di atas je. Kadang-kadang, bila kita rasa diri kita ni lemah sangat, Allah bagi kita peluang untuk lebih beribadah untuk dapat ketenangan jiwa. So, at the end of the day, ada jugak hikmah terjadinya perkara-perkara ini. Besides, it helps me a lot so that I can improve myself in the future.

Anyway, I know I had made a big mistake. Macam2 silap la. Biasa la, manusia mana yang tak buat silap. But, kita kene ingat, from kesilapan kita ni kita akan belajar. I know there are certain people who terasa with me. I know that certain people xnak tegur dah aku. Taknak rapat macam dulu dah. And taknak buat aktiviti bersama-sama macam dulu dah. Aku tahu. Tapi, kenapa susahkan diri untuk puaskan hati orang lain sedangkan hati sendiri pun susah nak puaskan. Jadi, apa nak jadi, jadi la. I let it go and there are better things that I can do. Just promise me one thing, tolong jangan lupakan aku when we are no longer seeing each other’s face in college. Selain itu, I’m also stressed with IRP. Yes, Intensive Revision Program. Stress sebab apa ? Stress coz I feel that I’m really lost. Tengok grup2 lain macam rajin gila study, buat notes sana sini, buat discussion malam2. My group members mmg rajin, pandai and mmg mantap habis la, but me ? I feel very useless. Unable to adapt with ‘study berkumpulan’. I have to admit, I’m a type of person yang kurang gemar study secara berkumpulan. Bukan apa, cause for me, I like to study by myself and then baru la boleh bincang2 dalam kumpulan bila dah abes baca semua. Anyway, I’ll try my best to participate fully in IRP. I just hope that all the struggle and usaha ni berbaloi in the end. And, aku pun stress tgk grup2 lain buat discussion malam2. Huhu.

Its true what people say, that as you grew older, the more difficulties that you’re gonna face in life. and lebih banyak jenis2 manusia yang kita akan jumpa. I have to say, that life in primary school, high school and college are totally different. At primary school, there are no stress. Just kids playing kejar2 during rehat and at class, study biase2 je. No stress. As we move on, in high school, specifically upper form, I was exposed with the term ‘stress’. Yes, stress dengan SPM. But thats all, nothing more. Then in college, the tension builds up. Stress with peer pressure, stress with study, stress with everything la. I just cant imagine how things are gonna be in the future. Anyway, I did mention that as we grew older, we’ll encounter different types of people. Berdasarkan pemerhatian aku bila waktu-waktu exam dah dekat, we’ll know who our friends are. And we’ll also know the type of people around us. Aku bukan tujukan kepada sesiapa, tp at times like this la aku jumpa macam2 bentuk orang. Ada orang yang suka simpan ilmu untuk dirinya sendiri, ada orang yang buat nota diam2 and taknak share, ada orang yang x kisah pasal sape2 pun, ada orang yang memilih specific people je untuk buat kawan, ada orang yang lupakan kawan lama bila dah dapat kawan baru, ada orang yang rajin and suka tolong kawan2 dia bila susah, ada orang yang depan cakap lain, belakang cakap lain. Ada jugak orang yang dalam diam2 membenci orang lain, ada orang yang sanggup menipu untuk kepentingan diri sendiri, ada orang yang suka buat sesuatu x ajak tp bila duduk depan2 dok cerita pasal benda yang dia buat. Ada orang yang suka diskriminasi orang lain. Senang cerita, macam2 orang la yang ada di dunia ini. Anda yang mana ? haha. Siapa makan cili, dialah yang terasa pedasnya.

I guess that is all for now. I just hope that I can be on the track again and gain motivation & inspiration. I need support from my friend, but i cant seem to find one. I need someone to talk to. Someone who can really understand. Someone who’s willing to become your friend for what you are truly are. Till now, I cant seem to find here in the college. Dont get me wrong. My friends here at college are superb and fun, but, as I said before, I’m still searching for the right one. May Allah guide me through my rough time and provide me a correct path that I can follow. Semoga terbuka hati aku ini untuk kembali seperti keadaan sedia kala.

-nukilan malam pertama IRP-

Mid-Sem Break : Of Books and Oven

            Guess what ? Its already March and just a few months away from May. And at the same time, its the mid-sem holiday. Of course, I know that most of my college-mates will definitely open their books during this break to study study study. I guess we're all in the same boat. In the meantime, since I'll be spending the whole break at home, so I've decided to do some checklist on things that I can do. And its BAKING. yes, baking. ever heard of it ? I know this may sound silly a guy baking cakes, cupcakes and brownies for his break. but hey, thats my hobby and i just loveeee cooking especially making cupcakes and cakes. haha. and at the same time, I can polish up my cooking skill. So here it goes, my to-bake list and hopefully, I can fulfill of of em'.

1. Red Velvet Cupcake with Cream Cheese Frosting
My favourite. I've tasted many version of it already at bakery shops and now it's time for my own version pulak. This one I'll definitely make cause I promise my classmates that I'm gonna bring it during class dinner

2. Red Velvet Cake with Cream Cheese Filling
Same as above, except that it is a cake, not cupcake. Perfect for birthdays and gatherings :)

3. Chocolate Cupcake with Peanut Butter Frosting
Totally temptatious with a lil bit of crunchiness in the frosting. Yummy. Insyaallah boleh buat

5. Peanut Butter Chocolate Brownies
Easy,simple and a wide variety of heaven-taste flavour. Yang ni pun boleh bawak gi jamuan kelas. yeahh

6. Chocolate Fudge Cupcake
Definitely for chocolate lovers. Air liur dah meleleh dah tgk ni. Ni pun perlu byk trial baru perfect. hehe

7. Rainbow Cake
I've once shown this to my classmate before and pernah ternampak budak kelas lain makan kek ni. Looks hard but nothing is impossible kan. Nk buat, tp kene hunt for ingredients nk buat dulu. hahaha. tgk la kalau rajin. haha

8. Beef Wellington
Anyone seen this before ? Dapat idea lepas tgk Masterchef America Season 1. Chef Ramsey punye recipe. haha. Basically its just roast beef yang disalut dengan pastry. Ala2 karipap daging bakar la kot. haha. Insyallah boleh buat kot minggu depan. haha.

9. Pavlova
Yeah. Dulu dah pernah buat. Tapi malangnya, lepas 30 minit letak bawah saji, semut datang. Habis rosak semua. So, this week gonna make a new one and hopefully semut x dtg. haha

So there you have it. My to-bake list. Hopefully dapat la buat semuanya during this 1 week holidays. And at the same time, jgn lupa untuk baca buku. haha. That all. Assalamualaikum ~

You

Yes you !
You bring out the best in me
You make me happy, joy
You make me laugh
Thats why I'm always by your side
And I hope you will stay with what you are doing
And always be happy with what you're doing
And always remember me.
Cos thats all I've ever wished for.

Perihal Awal Februari

Ok so here it goes. February was supposed to be a happy month for me. Why ? Cause by that time, all of the assignments required by IBO has been submitted. Yes, you name it, ToK essay, Extended Essay, Internal Assessment, Lab Reports and all those sort of things. It should be the beginning for me to revise back the syllabus for the previous semesters. And guess what, IB Final Exam is just around the corner. MAY. Just 90 days and below left. The FINAL exam. The exam that will determined whether me and my friends would either "fly" or not (nauzubillah).

Anyway, back to what I'm supposed to be writing. Perihal Awal Februari.
3 February 2012
3rd February was the college Academic Day. Sort of like Hari Jumpa Ibu-bapa lah if to be compared with sekolah menengah. Anyway, Academic Day boleh la dikira sebagai cuti jugak sebab not all of the students are required to go to class coz there ain't any class pun that day. Semua kelas kunci and the only thing yg bukak is the library if I'm not mistaken. Ok, so, bangun2 pagi je, bukak fb and twitter, tetibe terbaca wall post IUMC punye page ckp medic student kmb can check the interview outcome with the counsellor. Duppp. Habis darah menyirap satu badan ni. Jantung mula la berdegup kencang x henti2. Perasaan pun jadi tak tenang. Gerak sana-sini tak berhenti-henti. Ye la kan, siapa tak cuak kalau result placement dah nk keluar dalam masa beberapa jam je lagi.

Tepat jam 5.17 petang, aku refresh email kat Yahoo group ni and terkejut tgk result dh keluar. ade 2 email. satu email list name mereka yg berjaya and 1 lg email was for those who didn't got the offer. So, dengan lafaz bismillah, aku pun pergi la ke ruang tamu rumah dekat ngan papa and slowly tekan butang 'open mail'. Then, slowly la scroll kt list tuh untuk cari nama. keep on scrolling and scrolling and scrolling smpai la kt list nama waiting list. my reaction ? sedih. sedih sbb nama xde dalam list tuh. siap check email tu smpai 5 kali. reading each and every name untuk check kalau2 nama ade terselit dalam list tuh ke. but still, i was to no avail. x berjaya la nmpknya. x dpt offer IUMC :'(  Perasaan time tuh ? of coz la sedih. siapa x sedih kalau x dpt offer. Even time tuh papa pun dh prasan perubahan muka ni. then dgn beraninya, aku ni pun btao la papa and mama yg result IUMC dh kluar and I told them  I didn't make it. time tu x sanggup nk tgk muka dierang. sedih and kecewa.

Runsing, risau, gelisah, takut, malu, semua perasaan2 negatif wujud waktu tu. RUNSING. tu je perasaan yang asyik bermain-main di fikiran ni. Risau dengan future. risau dengan placement yang mmg uncertain.

But at the same time, I'm proud. Proud of my friends. Proud of them for getting IUMC. Great job. You guys are the best and definitely deserve it. But please remember, do pray for your friends yang x senasib dengan anda. And pray that they will be given another chance and get another offer.

Yesterday (4th February) was my sis engagement reception and with my unstable emotion at that time, I could not function properly. I'm afraid. Frankly speaking, I'm scared. Scared because lots of people are coming, and the same old question I was bombarded with "Bila fly ?", "Dapat negara mana ?", "Hows the interview that day ?". Crius man, dengan result yang menyedihkan baru kluar semalam, what do you expect me to say ? So my solution was to say "tak tahu lagi. kena tunggu result final exam baru tahu". I guess that was my only safe answer that I could ever think off at the moment.

Tak usah memerihalkan pasal menangis. Memang lumrah manusia kalau sedih and frust, mesti nangis. Dh berbaldi-baldi (hiperbola) menangis sampai mata pun dah kering x mampu nangis. Tapi bila fikir-fikir balik, tak guna tangisi perkara yang dah berlalu. Tambah lagi dengan dpt sms from friends suruh kuatkan semangat, sabar and all that stuff. I do admit, those words really do help. But this feeling of frust and sedih still ada. ntah la. aku pun jd clueless.

Reflection time. Mungkin setelah berhari-hari memikirkan ni, I questioned myself. Maybe Allah has a better plan for me. Mungkin ini ujian Allah kepada aku. Mungkin aku terlalu leka dengan duniawi sehingga mengabaikan tanggungjawab aku sebagai khalifah di muka bumi in. Munkin terlalu banyak berfoya-foya. And come to think of it, I did. Terlalu fikirkan hal duniawi smpai diri pun semakin jauh dengan Allah. Mungkin Allah berikan ujian ni sebagai peringatan kepada aku and Alhamdulillah, I finally realize. Mungkin sebelum ni byk sgt memerihalkan perihal org laen. Melihat keburukan lebih dari kebaikan. Insyaallah, I'll try my best to change. To become a better person. To become a person who respect people regardless of their status and most importantly, to be a better Muslim.

Finally, after having sleepless night and uncountable nightmares, I've finally decide untuk hilangkan semua perasaan2 negatif ni. It may take some time, but i'll try my best to remove it. So, dear friends, do help me aite and pray the best for all of us. Alhamdulillah kerana Allah telah pilih hamba yang lemah ini untuk diuji dengan ujian ni. Sesungguhnya, perasaan diuji ni memanglah sukar untuk ditangani tp I believe, dugaan2 inilah yang mematangkan kita dan buat kita lebih sayang kepada Allah.

I guess thats all for this post. Remember, never lose hope in Allah cause He's the one who knows the best for us. Dengan itu, I would like to end this entry with a petikan from Surah Al-Baqarah :

"Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya"

Ingatlah, jangan kita terlalu leka dengan hal duniawi smpaikan lupakan hal agama. Just a friendly reminder to myself and also others.

Selamat Tinggal IUMC, kalau ada jodoh bertemu lagi............

A Quarter Way There

Come on fellow year 2 KMB-ians ! We're almost there. Just a few more days and we're free from ToK and EE. Free mcm rama-rama baru keluar kepompong. Yeay. Btw, still stressed out editing my EE and ToK. Whoever said that Malay EE was easy ? Well, they are definitely wrong. Anyway, thats all i wanna say. Cant hardly wait for Wednesday. Then I'll be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :)

Imagining myself being that butterfly :)

Masih

Perasaan masih terpendam.
Diri masih diam.
Senyuman palsu masih terukir.
Gelak-tawa bohongan masih didengari.
Kata-kata 'manis' masih disebut-sebut.

Hold on there. Kerana Allah masih dan sentiasa bersama anda.
-hoping for a better future

Nak tu ada, tp......

I just hope everything goes according to plan.

Having to be in a deep dilemma for such a long time had made me ponder about my future.

And I just hope that I can change to become a better person

- Less gossip

- Less playing around

- Less vulgar words in conversation

- More respect towards people

And dear friends, especially my classmates, please guide me. Really, do guide me. I need guidance and inspiration. Right now, I'm just lack of motivation. Hope by the end of the week, I can gain my confidence back. Hopefully.